RED (NSFW)

10.11.2012

For Nana


Early Thursday morning of last week was the day I lost the light in my world. Where everything good I felt was even in this world was taken away from me inside the walls of Covenant hospital. At 3:30 AM on October 4th, I lost my Nana. And I've been in pain ever since.

Nana was more than a woman who babysat me. She was more than someone who picked me up from school everyday. She was like...no, she WAS family. She was the grandmother that was close to home. And became even more important when I lost my grandparents on both my parents' side during high school. She was always there for me. Ever since I was 8 months old to even now. Hell, if she could've followed me to college she might have. She was there the first day when I moved into the dorms at CCS. And I always loved her for it. I don't even know if she knew how much I loved her for it. I wish I could've told her that.

The last time I talked to her was the Tuesday before she passed. I was dropping off my godbrother, her grandson, to her house and gave her hug instantly. The thing is, I almost didn't get out of my car to go in the house but something told me "go talk to Nana, give her a hug, go see her smile." I'm glad I did. The last thing she told me was that I'd get this design job I had applied to. Nana always believed in me, man. Even when I felt like I wasn't worth believing in. To this day, she still kept all the notebooks filled with drawings I left over her house.

I feel like I lost an important part of my soul. Nana was everything. Not just to me, but to her daughter, her grandson, her husband, my parents, everybody. Everybody loved Nana. That was evident at her homegoing yesterday. The church was filled with people who genuinely cared for this woman. And as much as I was hurting and tearing up, it put my heart at ease somewhat knowing that Nana's love was so strong to all of these people and not just me. She was an amazing woman. (She was even a bad-ass. She once talked down a dude with a gun. I should know. I was in the car hiding when it happened). I just miss her. I really do. I know she's in a better place, but...I just feel like I lost the goodness in my heart.

I love you, Nana. I just want to make you proud.

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